I am no stranger to the long-distance relationship game. I was in a (ridiculous, joke of a) long-distance relationship for the better part of four years. I was young (too young,)  and stupid and told a boy some lies about who I was to impress him. What started out as innocent as that turned in to a rollercoaster ride for years where we played the long-distance game, repeatedly broke each others’ hearts, and finally moved on with our lives. We worked better apart, and that was the terrible truth.

About a year ago, after being without the long distance boy for quite a while, I met a nice boy who was almost exactly my polar opposite. Christian to my atheist, chocolate lover to my disdain for the stuff, death metal to my indie/folk. Needless to say I liked him instantly. The first six months were rough: he lost a job, got in to a car accident, ran out of money, wasn’t sure if he would finish school. Our relationship was so hot and cold because of all of the commotion, and there were times where I thought it wasn’t going to work. Neither one of us is one to quit, fortunately, and we got through it in one piece. You learn a lot about a person when you see how they handle life when terrible situations are placed upon them. I saw how he handled it : Not always well, not always so strong, but so incredibly persistent. And kind. Everyone is prone to losing their shit, but he kept it together the best he could and managed to continue being a good person. I loved that I was there to help him through it, that I saw what kind of man he really was, and that we still wanted to be together after that. The commotion started to pack up and move out. And then I left for a three-month trip to Europe.

Given our experience with crisis management and my lengthy experience with making long-distance work, I honestly thought that being this far away wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe that was naive of me. Maybe I just had a lot of faith that things were going to work out. Maybe I’m f-ing nuts.  We used to be so close, I used to see him all the time and hear about his day, and we used to pride ourselves on keeping things as balanced as possible so that one person doesn’t end up doing all of the work. All of the sudden, I feel like I’m in it alone. I know he’s just keeping busy so that he doesn’t feel bad, but I feel like I’m not in his life anymore. I’m an afterthought at the end of his day, when we talk for however long he can before he starts to pass out on the keyboard. I’m not even a consideration on the weekend anymore, when we’re lucky if we talk for an hour between Friday and Sunday. It makes me really sad that I’m not much of an inclusion anymore.  It’s the thing that, more than any other aspect, makes me feel a full 6,000 miles away from home.